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Jul. 9th, 2009

Dave - Better Quality Flasher.
I don't know anymore. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to think. It seems everything I do these days is completely and utterly wrong. I try and I fail. I can't do anything right.

I am trying to solve a equation but I keep getting the wrong answer. Sometimes, it seems like I am going in the right direction but I once again get stuck. Something is missing. Or perhaps, I miscalculated. Added wrong or forgot to carry the one. Something is permitting me.

That's why I sleep so much. I am in a dreamworld where no one can touch me and everything goes my way. In reality, my parents don't trust me anymore, i've gained too much weight, boys don't seem to find me attractive anymore, my friends backstab me and don't feel like they did anything wrong, i can't take photos to save my life, and I might have to spend a few more hours in the classroom due to my laziness second semester.

I think I should go to Confession. I am not Catholic but I need some kind of guidance.

You know, fuck complaining. I'm done. I got myself into this mess and I am getting myself out of it, one problem at a time. I can do it. I have already driven on the freeway by myself, something I have been afraid of for a year.

I can't believe it's been a year. So many things change.

Jun. 25th, 2009

Dave - Better Quality Flasher.
Goodbye Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett.

Remember today at the day the king of pop died.

Jun. 25th, 2009

Dave - Better Quality Flasher.
She hates the sun because it proves she's not alone.

Jun. 23rd, 2009

Dave - Better Quality Flasher.
She walks away
Colors fade to gray
Every precious moment's now a waste

She hits the gas
Hoping it would pass
The red light starts to flash
It's time to wait

And the black keys
Never looks so beautiful
And a perfect rainbow never seems so dull
And the lights out
Never had this brighter glow
And the black keys
Showing me a world I never would know
World I never knew

She hates the sun
'Cause it proves she's not alone
And the world doesn't revolve around her soul
No

She loves the sky
Said it validates her pride
Never lets her know when she is wrong

And the black keys
Never looks so beautiful
And a perfect rainbow never seems so dull
And the lights out
Never had this brighter glow
And the black keys
Showing me a world I never would know

Yeah
And the walls start closing in

Don't let 'em get inside of your head
Don't let 'em get inside of your head
Don't let 'em get inside of your head
Don't let them inside

'Cause the black keys
Never looks so beautiful
And a perfect rainbow never seems so dull
(Ohhh)
And the lights out
Never had this brighter glow
And the black keys
Showing me the world I never knew
(Don't let 'em get) Don't let 'em get inside of your head
Don't let 'em get inside of your head
Don't let 'em get inside of your head
Don't let 'em get inside of your head

Sometimes we fight
It's better black and white

Jun. 23rd, 2009

Dave - Better Quality Flasher.

Broken cutters, broken saws,
Broken buckles, broken laws,
Broken bodies, broken bones,
Broken voices on broken phones.
Take a deep breath, feel like you're chokin',
Everything is broken.

Every time you leave and go off someplace
Things fall to pieces in my face.

Reflections.

Dave - Better Quality Flasher.
Albeit this summer starting off with not so great news, I still feel it is going to be good. Even with all the family drama I had to deal with for a week, I actually enjoyed myself. It was kind of lonely to be the youngest person there for a while but it got better. And even though Saturday was one of the saddest days of my life, it was really great to say goodbye to such a wonderful person in a memorable way. I will miss Sean a lot but I'd like to believe he's in a better place now and he won't have to get sick anymore. When I was driving home with my father last night from Tahoe and we were listening to American Top 40, I had this amazing feeling of summer just wash over me. It truly just a feeling of happiness. I don't really like going away for a long time though because I always feel everyone is forgetting about me and doing things without me and it's the truth. Much like my mother, I like to be included in things and feel liked. It was pleasant to come home to a message on facebook from Hannah about my birthday. Sometimes, it's nice to know someone cares.

As for someone else, I am getting really sad because I feel like she is getting closer to someone else and we're kind of drifting and I do not want that to ever happen to us. That's my main worry right now. I don't know what to do. Should I make a little more effort here? I just feel like she found someone more fun to be around than me so she'll go spend her time with them. As much as I love Hannah and Tammy, my best friends cannot be sophomores. Please, livejournal. Advice here? I think we've gone a week already without talking. Was school the only thing binding our friendship? Or did our common interest fade leaving us two different people? It's so weird that something so huge happened in my life and she is the only person who doesn't know. Maybe I should let her be happy having fun with someone else. A friendship shouldn't drain a person of their own being. I want to fight for this, I really do. I just don't know if that feeling is mutual or if I am just reacting over nothing at all. The only thing I can say is I have a pain in my heart and I don't like it. And for once, it honestly has nothing to do with a boy.

Sigh. I'm tired. Physically and emotionally. However, I want to put some work on my novel. I want to try to make a hundred pages by the end of the summer.

Jun. 7th, 2009

Dave - Better Quality Flasher.
I am kind of done with her and her bullshit.
Thank god for school ending.

May. 31st, 2009

Dave - Better Quality Flasher.
Today, my girlfriend was holding a copy of her Twilight book. She didn't dump me for a fictional character because she thinks it's crap. MLIA.

Today, I was wore white pants to school and started bleeding. Luckily, my friend had a band-aid for my finger. MLIA

Today I turned 11. I did not receive a letter from Hogwarts. MLIA

Today, I was on a boat. T-Pain wasn't there. MLIA

Today, my boyfriend gave me a box. His dick wasn't inside. MLIA

Last night, I saw a film. As I recall it was a horror film. I stepped outside into the rain, checked my phone and saw you rang, so I called you back. MLIA

May. 24th, 2009

Dave - Better Quality Flasher.
I just don"t know what to do anymore. I kind of feel like sleeping some more because I can avoid all my feelings.

summer breeze.

Dave - Better Quality Flasher.
I like having strictly platonic male friends. I should have more of those. That's my goal for the summer. Find more guy friends that won't hit on me or expect me to hook up with them. I need that. I don't know if it's ever been like that. All of my guy friends have liked me at some point or another. I don't think that's a bad thing, I guess. I just want someone to tell things to without everything getting messy. Manny is kind of like that but he tells me I'm pretty and wishes I would like him. Maybe I shouldn't be sad boys like me. I sound conceited talking like this but it is the straight up truth. I can name all of my guy friends, like legit ones I hang out with on the weekends and out of school and class, and they have all liked me at one point or another. I don't want a gay either. I want someone to give me the male perspective of girls and mean it. I didn't think I was so likable but honestly, coming down to it, I have never had a real platonic guy friend. Things always get too messy.

Anyway, I think I am starting make friends easier with guys. I don't know if this is just me but I feel like I have more confidence to just be myself around guys since France, maybe it;s because I didn't latch onto any girls there. I was kind of a floater in a sense. It was a nice feeling. Another nice feeling is finally being friends with this one kid. He caused me so much heartbreak, so it might not be a good idea to get involved again but I feel like we are actually becoming friends. After school, we walked to my car together. He did make fun of me but it was playful and I did not mind because I think that is just part of his personality. I'd like to be friends with him. However, I already have a predisposition towards him so I don't think it can end at just that. Fuck. I am already starting to like him again. This is a different kind of like though. It's not that painful, gut tightening kind. It's more freeing. I like being around him. I like laughing around him. I like being myself around him. It's just different this time. And I like it this time. There's no jealousy or heartburn. Just a cool, soft breeze. A summer breeze. A summer fling? Yeah, I have doubts. If something can't work the first time, there's doubt for the second time.

This is a lot for you too handle livejournal but I think you can handle all of this sudden outburst of thoughts. I like putting my thoughts on paper. Maybe I will finish a novel this summer.

I love my best friend but I hate to see people not treat her well. I feel pissed off for her. There's nothing I can do though but just be there and listen if she wants to vent. 

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